Project self-care 2015

There is something incredibly humbling when deciding to put yourself first. Not in that selfish, I’m the queen, sort of way, but in a healthy reflective way that says I respect myself and in turn, I respect you.

It has taken me a long time to get to this place. I have dived into the abyss, taken the red pill and never looked back. I know I’ve hurt myself and others countless times and now I allow myself to step back and heal.

To truly heal.

My name is Monica and I’m an alcoholic. The first time I said those words out loud my voice cracked and I cried. It was an ugly cry in front of about 35 strangers who were all like myself, asking for help in the most gracious way they knew how. I’ve been an alcoholic all my life I suppose, constantly denying and defending my alcoholic actions. Things have changed.

Sobriety treats me better than any glass of wine ever has. Two months seems like a short time, and it is, but I feel amazing and grateful for making it this far because I never thought that I would or could live without drinking. At a meeting someone once said, if you make it to AA, you are lucky. If you don’t make it to AA and the good Lord takes you instead, then you are luckier. I didn’t understand it at first, but it means that sobriety will give you peace. At least, that’s what I think it means.

On Sept 19th 2014, I wrote this in a deep unknowing despair. My spirit was torn and I was constantly mending myself and my relationships. I was stuck to my story like a fly is stuck inside a venus fly trap. Only, unlike the fly, I could break free from my own prison. I craved what was killing my soul. I know that now and am incredibly grateful to be on the other side. I found this in my phone and cried because Yes, Yes, Yes. All of it was spot on.

What would my life be like?

What would my life be like sober? Would I accomplish more? Feel more motivated? Instead of a glass of wine, I could meditate, read, or practice yoga. I could write that novel, write a blog post, or write just to write.

I could be learning Spanish, going to Zumba, or taking a long walk around the lake.

What would it feel like to wake up completely refreshed? Would my bloat go away? Would my back pain lessen? With a clear mind I’d imagine my psychic and intuitive abilities would be greatly heightened and I would attract more positivity in that direction. I could focus more attention to what I truly want for my profession and attract the right people into my life.

I might even be a better mother, wife, and lover to my husband. My mood swings might decrease and my pms might go away. The desire and obsession to escape would disappear and I would be totally within my authentic self.

Guess what? I was right. I was right about all of it and it feels amazing to be on the other side. To anyone considering sobriety: It’s worth it. You are worth it.

Peace, love & light,

Monica

One Reply to “Project self-care 2015”

  1. Beautifully expressed – I felt like I was peeking behind a curtain, over your shoulder, while you were digging deep to express your innermost thoughts and feelings. Thank you for being vulnerable. Thank you for being brave enough to really be YOU, because it’s beautiful. <3

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